Coffee

"Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis - a good hot cup of coffee." ~ Alexander King

Ever notice how coffee never tastes as good out of a to-go cup with a plastic, toddler like sippy cup lid than when it is from your favorite mug? I think this says something about society on a whole...we are always so busy and rushing and on the go - but when we can slow down and savor the sweet aromas that are life, the healing warmth and richness it all tastes better.

That is my deep thought for the day.

Green

"O! beware, my lord, of jealousy; It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on" - William Shakespeare


The other night, for the first time I had a full blown jealousy 'thing'. It was an uncomfortable place for me. I typically do not consider myself to be a jealous person, but I have found, yes I am. In some ways this is a healthy thing for me. For some who know me, they understand. But I did not like this feeling. Now the occasion that brought up this demon was warranted with my attention, but I did not expect such a strong reaction. Usually I have been able to keep these things under wraps, but I let it out this time. I had to - or it would have consumed me and a pattern would have begun again. I am glad I did in the end as it opened discourse and led to better and deeper things, but still...the better and deeper could have come without the green. But such is life. Such are relationships - they are worthwhile work.

I now also understand the color choice of green when describing this most toxic of emotions. It made me want to gag. It gave me a headache and it blurred my vision making that which I was seeing and trying to see a rancid hue. I prefer purples & pinks myself and will be trying to stay with those shades.

Watching the Tide Roll Away

"They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse." - Emily Dickinson (1830-1886)

While in Maine yesterday, I took a walk out on the jetty and sat at the end by myself watching the tide come in. I closed my eyes and breathed in the salt air, felt the mist, listened to the ocean and the birds and I thanked God for that moment, these friends, my children, this time in my life where it is all coming together and I can feel my soul (re)emerging. I understand who I am and I know what I want - and more importantly, what I do not. I see so much wonderful ahead of me shining in its simplicity. I feel the challenges of my past transform into the lessons my soul needed to grow. Anger and bitterness releasing (though I still hold onto sarcastic and annoyed humor - not perfect, but trying after all) I spoke these words out loud and sent them to heavens with all sincerity of purpose, from the depths of my heart - 'Thank you'.

Then on my walk back to the house, to join my friends again, I found a rock. I found the most perfect rock. It is about the size of a silver dollar, flat and smooth. It sits in the center of my palm adding just enough weight so I know that it is there, it's texture and cool feel a calming and balancing effect. It reminded me of a card A recently gave me that is now framed and hanging in my bedroom - it says that the most beautiful rocks have been tossed and turned and polished bylife's roughest storms. When I picked up this rock I was overwhelmed and felt tears well in my eyes. For when I stopped and reached for this rock, lying alone in the sand, no other elements around it to detract from its presence, I distinctly heard God's voice say "You're welcome".

Patience

"I will love the light for it shows me the way, yet I will endure the darkness for it shows me the stars." - Og Mandino (1923-1996)


It is hard to believe when you feel like your life is at its lowest and bleakest that it can ever get better. Yet somehow with time, strength, courage and love it always does. It just takes a little patience.

As patient as I am with some things in my life, I am not patient with shifts or change that I am working on. I figure I made the decision and my choices are working towards this new goal and purpose, well, karmically I should be rewarded ASAP! Mmm....not so much. This is a hard lesson to swallow. But in taking the time in 'the darkness' to refer back to the quote, we can understand things about ourselves that make the journey and the goal that much more rewarding.

I will not lie and I will put it out for the whole wide internet to know, I have struggled with clinical depression, battled against post-partum depression and made my way through a couple of life choices I would rather not have had happen. And in those darkest of times I discovered things that make me see stars now more than I ever have. It's important for us all to take every experience - good, bad or otherwise - and take it as an opportunity to know ourselves better, push our perceived limits and see our true depths. Like I said, it ain't easy and can downright suck. But taking those opportunities can only lead to truer things. And you never have to do it alone - even when you feel at your most alone. I guarantee there are friends and family around you building the ladder to the star you desperately seek right now! Let them. One day you will build one for them too.

Paths

"To know what you prefer instead of humbly saying Amen to what the world tells you ought to prefer, is to have kept your soul alive." - Robert Louis Stevenson (1850-1894)

It's hard to forge your own path sometimes. But life has shown me lately that it is indeed worthwhile, though not always easy. OK, it's never easy. I have been making choices lately on what I want, what I think is best for me and the kids. Admittedly, I have made a couple of choices in my life that were soul wrenching and not what I wanted, but what I knew had to be done. Not popular with others or myself in some regard, but what was right. I see now how those choices are proving fruitful and I feel stronger than I have in a long time. It's empowering on my path to find and maintain balance in my life. I have good examples to gleen from too. I see friends making their own choices, chasing their own stars be them great or humble. And I see that joy in their lives for choices well made. So I look to my life now and my choices with that positive 'ME' attitude. The kids are better for it, I can see it. And that is the greatest reward of them all. And maybe, just maybe, their paths will be easier if I lead by my own example. I can only hope.

A friend of mine said it very well once when we were in the mountains of NH looking out over the landscape - the difference is in the looking in before looking out. My mind's eye has that image in my head and my heart holds onto those words because it just makes so much simple sense.